Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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