I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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