Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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