I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
