I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
