Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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