well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
