no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
