Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
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