Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
