I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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