I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Randomize
