If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
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