just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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