I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Randomize
