"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
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