woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
