I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
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