Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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