I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
