Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
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