the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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