can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
