Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
