Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
4 words: hood of his car
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
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