moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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