2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
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