I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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