The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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