girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
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