If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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