I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
