if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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