I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize
