He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Randomize
