Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
