do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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