dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
