I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
