Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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