So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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