while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
