She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Randomize
