woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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