Where did you get a picture of my penis
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
