We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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