I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Hippo gnu deer
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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