Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Sober January is a disaster.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
