i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Randomize
