Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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